READ HERE.....
My New Life...August 2nd, 2024
What has happened since April 24th???? Let's break it down....
🗓️ May....I moved back to Utah 😱 ...
🗓️ June...Moved to Salt Lake in a gorgeous house 🏡 ...
🗓️ July (this is where it gets crazy)...Elena's sweet wedding 💍 ...gallivanting around Europe with Sophie and Spencer 🎡 ...food poisoning in NYC 🗽 ...new job 💻 ...starting marathon training 🏃♀️ ....threw an amazing housewarming party (sorry if you weren't invited) 🎈 ...first paycheck 💵 ...
🗓️ August...went to physical therapy 🏋️♀️ ...
🗓️ June...Moved to Salt Lake in a gorgeous house 🏡 ...
🗓️ July (this is where it gets crazy)...Elena's sweet wedding 💍 ...gallivanting around Europe with Sophie and Spencer 🎡 ...food poisoning in NYC 🗽 ...new job 💻 ...starting marathon training 🏃♀️ ....threw an amazing housewarming party (sorry if you weren't invited) 🎈 ...first paycheck 💵 ...
🗓️ August...went to physical therapy 🏋️♀️ ...
WHO IS EXCITED FOR AUGUST???? My life is all about new and exciting goals and recently a Pyper America (thank you Pyper) posted an inspirational story about how she can honor her body when she doesn't want to do something but also honor her commitments....sooooooo true.............I'm going to adopt this mindset....I will find the middle ground to honor my mind and body while also honoring my commitments...
I have a lot of commitments including budgets (ugh), marathon training (ugh), sleep schedule needs a lot of work (hmm)
Special shoutout to my new friends Ashley and Connor. I met them at my housewarming party. They are not on my subscriber list and they don't know I write a newsletter every 3-5 months, but I assume when they find out they are going to be super excited to be added.
I wish I had more wisdom to share but my life isn't full of wisdom or epiphanies because I am busy doing other things (mentioned above).
I would love to hear maybe the highlight of your summer so far? And also, please throw in if you wish summer would last forever or if you are excited for fall
THE TORTURED POETS DEPARTMENT...April 24, 2024
Today I will dive deep into the Tortured Poets Department with a thorough review of each song. Don’t forget to scroll to the end where I will be asking a very important question for everyone to reply to and a short life update.
Fortnight (feat. Post Malone)
Overall: strong start to the album and much better thank I expected for this collaboration with posty. it has certainly been stuck in my head. I also love the TikTok AI version too.
Favorite Lyric: “your wife waters flowers, I want to kill her” love the way she sings this
Least Favorite Lyric: “I was a functioning alcoholic til nobody noticed my new aesthetic” cringe
Rating: 7.5/10
The Tortured Poets Department
Overall: I think this one might be a little better if jack antonoff left his grubby little hands off of it.
Favorite Lyric: “sometimes I wonder if you’re gonna screw this up with me, but you told Lucy you’d kill yourself if I ever leave” I can only hope this is about Lucy Dacus
Least Favorite Lyric: (there are a lot for this song) “at dinner you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one people put wedding rings on” girl what
Rating: 5/10
My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys
Overall: I will be shaking my ass to this song for quite some time!
Favorite Lyric: “once I fix me, he’s gonna miss me” sad but relatable
Least Favorite Lyric: “I felt more when we played pretend than with all the Kens” I hate when she is Barbie and boys are Kens - too cliche
Rating: 9/10
Down Bad
Overall: sorry I know it’s cringe how she says she’s down bad butI can’t get it out of my head. this also has a bit too much jack antonoff.Favorite Lyric: “for a moment I knew cosmic love” makes me wonder about if I would ever describe love as “cosmic”
Least Favorite Lyric: “they’ll say I’m nuts if I talk about the existence of you” too many syllables
Rating: 7/10
So Long, London
Overall: yep, I do believe this song achieved everything it needed too. heartbreak, dance moment, ripping joe to shreds.
Favorite Lyric: “I died on the altar waiting for the proof” we all know he wouldn’t marry her… “a moment of warm sun, but I’m not the one” love totally does feel like a moment of warm sun…but oh boy is it cold when it leaves…
Least Favorite Lyric: DONT HAVE ONE :D
Rating: 9.5/10
But Daddy I Love Him
Overall: I fear she thought she ate.
Favorite Lyric: “id rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning” ok honestly she did eat here..
Least Favorite Lyric: “I’m having his baby, no I’m not, but you should see your faces” it’s comical
Rating: 6/10
Fresh Out The Slammer
Overall: too western for me….but I can’t believe joe was prison……I also hate the key change but I understand it has some sort of significance to the storytelling.
Favorite Lyric: “handcuffed to the spell I was under for just one hour of sunshine” see above
Least Favorite Lyric: “wearing imaginary rings ” again with the syllables
Rating: 6/10
Florida!!! (feat. Florence + The Machine)
Overall: I love florence + the machine! and this song is extremely catchy. I do think it will be used on a lot of spring break captions. I also know when I want to visit my cousins in florida I will just text them a random lyric from this song.
Favorite Lyric: “fuck me up, Florida” sorry mom!
Least Favorite Lyric: “the hurricane with my name when it came” don’t know what she’s trying to say here
Rating: 7/10
Guilty as Sin?
Overall: it’s honestly just fine and I hate when she writes about sex and also I can see why Christian moms hate this song
Favorite Lyric: “am I allowed to cry?” something I would say to my therapist and she would say yes!
Least Favorite Lyric: “what if he’s written mine on my upper thigh only in my mind” weird as hell
Rating: 6/10
Who’s Africa of Little Old Me?
Overall: queen shit……and I love when she reclaims what the media says about her. It’s like a not obnoxious shake it off!
Favorite Lyric: “is it a wonder I broke? let’s hear one more joke” I famously will die on the hill that she does not have to laugh or be nice about jokes made about her
Least Favorite Lyric: “so tell me everything is not about me, but what if it is?” hard to defend this one…
Rating: 9/10
I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)
Overall: I’m sorry so so dumb. I don’t even want to know who this is about.
Favorite Lyric: “woah maybe I can’t” no explanation.
Least Favorite Lyric: “his hand so calloused from his pistol” ok I thought u were a democrat….
Rating: 5/10
loml
Overall: :’( and when she says “you said I’m the love of your love” at the end of the chorus her voice sounds so sad and gorgeous
Favorite Lyric: “you’re the loss of my life” when I first heard that lyric switch I went absolutely feral
Least Favorite Lyric: “mr steal your girl, then make her cry” just feel mediocre about this one
Rating: 8/10
I Can Do It With a Broken Heart
Overall: I am shaking me little ass to this. honestly this chorus is so much fun. I love how it’s about her being the most depressed she’s ever been but it’s probably the most fun song on the album. I will give jack antonoff kudos on this one.
Favorite Lyric: “lights, camera, bitch smile, even when you want to die” I’m clapping and singing and then when she said “as the crowd was chanting MORE” I’m like ok….i was in the audience here….sorry girl….
Least Favorite Lyric: “the lights refract sequin stars off her silhouette every night” just hate this vibe
Rating: 9/10
The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived
Overall: holy shit I will kill matty healy….. this song has the best bridge in the whole entire world and I do think it is better than dear john.
Favorite Lyric: “you said normal girls were boring but you were gone by the morning” YASSS QUEEN RIP THAT MAN TO SHREDS
Least Favorite Lyric: “you didn’t measure up in any measure of a man” not creative
Rating: 10/10*im also open to the dialogue of her going from “who are you is not what you did” in innocent to “you are what you did” here*
The Alchemy
Overall: embarrassing because it is just about a bunch of weird football players. any song where she says touch down is going to be bad.
Favorite Lyric: “honestly who are we to fight the alchemy” I just want to sing this part that’s it
Least Favorite Lyric: “shirts off and your friends lift you up over their heads” I just don’t think songs about football players can be cool. inherently uncool.
Rating: 5/10
Clara Bow
Overall: I loooove this one, it reminds me of nothing new from the red vault tracks. I wonder who she is talking about that looks like her.
Favorite Lyric: “all your life did you j is you’d be picked like a rose” it’s sooo giving the lucky one here.
Least Favorite Lyric: “thems the breaks” this is such a millennial thing to say.
Rating: 8.5/10
The Black Dog
Overall: I am sobbing joe needs to say sorry
Favorite Lyric: “I just don’t understand how you dont miss me in the black dog” I felt this
Least Favorite Lyric: “were you making fun of me with some esoteric joke?” don’t know what esoteric means
Rating: 10/10
imgonnagetyouback
Overall: I don’t believe any argument here that she didn’t copy olivia rodrigo
Favorite Lyric: “told my friends I hate you but I love you just the same” I guess so
Least Favorite Lyric: “whether I’m gonna flip you off or pull you into the closet” doesn’t rhyme or sound good.
Rating: 6/10
The Albatross
Overall: I don’t know what an albatross is but I love this song. don’t connect to it lyrically though
Favorite Lyric: “she’s the death you chose, you’re in terrible danger” not sure what this means
Least Favorite Lyric: “Jackie’s raised their hackles” I know I was upset the last one didn’t rhyme but I didn’t want this
Rating: 7/10
Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus
Overall: congratulations to Chloe! I wish my name was in a Taylor swift song. and I love how she says or so much, it’s catchy
Favorite Lyric: “if you want to break my cold, cold heart say you loved me” yup
Least Favorite Lyric: “will that make your memory fade from this scarlet maroon” been there done that
Rating: 8/10
How Did It End?
Overall: breakups are more painful than an abscess tooth. I know because I’ve gone through both.
Favorite Lyric: “the empathetic hunger descends” I feel sad that she has to explain her breakup to so many people
Least Favorite Lyric: “smug cause they know they can trust him” I keep hearing SMUT
Rating: 9/10
So High School
Overall: I hate this song hahahahaha but I love the video on Spotify
Favorite Lyric: “truth…dare…spin bottles. You know how to ball, I know Aristotle” insanely catchy
Least Favorite Lyric: “touch me while your bros play grand theft auto” weird
Rating: 5/10
I Hate It Here
Overall: dance moment!
Favorite Lyric: “I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind” ok dissociating queen
Least Favorite Lyric: “I’d say the 1830s. It without all the racists” queen….what are you doing…what does 1830 offer you…
Rating: 7/10
thanK you aIMee
Overall: mama kudos for saying that, for spilling. I love celebrity beef.
Favorite Lyric: “but when I count the scars there’s a moment of truth, that there wouldn’t be this if there hadn’t been you” ok growth queen!
Least Favorite Lyric: “my mother is a saintly woman but she used to say she wished that you were dead” I don’t understand why that means her mom isn’t a saintly woman
Rating: 8/10
I Look in People’s Windows
Overall: very gorgeous I like that she kept this one short and sweet.
Favorite Lyric: “does it feel alright to not know me?” ok ouch!
Least Favorite Lyric: no this one has no complaints from me
Rating: 9.5/10
The Prophecy
Overall: omg 😭 I am so sad….
Favorite Lyric: “thought I caught lightning in a bottle, oh, but it’s gone again” I just feel so sad
Least Favorite Lyric: “but I howl like a wolf at the moon” she had to know this would turn into a meme
Rating: 10/10
Cassandra
Overall: I really hope this is about kanye but I’m just not sure but does anyone know? and what call did she get?
Favorite Lyric: “when it’s burn the bitch they’re shrieking” society hates women
Least Favorite Lyric: “bloods thick but nothing like a payroll” just don’t really resonate with this
Rating: 8/10
Peter
Overall: omg I love! gonna need to read what it’s about on reddit but you can trust that I will. I’m getting harry styles vibes
Favorite Lyric: “and you said you’d come and get me but you were 25 and the shelf life of those fantasies has expired” no comment here
Least Favorite Lyric: no complaints
Rating: 9/10
The Bolter
Overall: this song is soooooo catchy I love it
Favorite Lyric: “started with a kiss oh we must stop meeting like this” yep on repeat FOREVER!!!
Least Favorite Lyric: none I’m just dancing
Rating: 8.5/10
Robin
Overall: I am gonna be vulnerable and say I have no idea what this song means or what it is about or what any lyrics mean so let me know if you do
Favorite Lyric: unfortunately none of the lyrics really resonate with me
Least Favorite Lyric: see above
Rating: I don’t feel qualified to give this a rating but based just on how it sounds 7/10
The Manuscript
Overall: so I heard that this is about All Too Well which makes it very interesting! and of course she wished she was 30 when she was dating someone who was 30!
Favorite Lyric: ”now and then I re-read the manuscript but the story isn’t mine anymore” how is she over what jake gyllenhaal did to her before i am
Least Favorite Lyric: nothing it’s pretty good
Rating: 7.5/10
Overall: strong start to the album and much better thank I expected for this collaboration with posty. it has certainly been stuck in my head. I also love the TikTok AI version too.
Favorite Lyric: “your wife waters flowers, I want to kill her” love the way she sings this
Least Favorite Lyric: “I was a functioning alcoholic til nobody noticed my new aesthetic” cringe
Rating: 7.5/10
The Tortured Poets Department
Overall: I think this one might be a little better if jack antonoff left his grubby little hands off of it.
Favorite Lyric: “sometimes I wonder if you’re gonna screw this up with me, but you told Lucy you’d kill yourself if I ever leave” I can only hope this is about Lucy Dacus
Least Favorite Lyric: (there are a lot for this song) “at dinner you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one people put wedding rings on” girl what
Rating: 5/10
My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys
Overall: I will be shaking my ass to this song for quite some time!
Favorite Lyric: “once I fix me, he’s gonna miss me” sad but relatable
Least Favorite Lyric: “I felt more when we played pretend than with all the Kens” I hate when she is Barbie and boys are Kens - too cliche
Rating: 9/10
Down Bad
Overall: sorry I know it’s cringe how she says she’s down bad butI can’t get it out of my head. this also has a bit too much jack antonoff.Favorite Lyric: “for a moment I knew cosmic love” makes me wonder about if I would ever describe love as “cosmic”
Least Favorite Lyric: “they’ll say I’m nuts if I talk about the existence of you” too many syllables
Rating: 7/10
So Long, London
Overall: yep, I do believe this song achieved everything it needed too. heartbreak, dance moment, ripping joe to shreds.
Favorite Lyric: “I died on the altar waiting for the proof” we all know he wouldn’t marry her… “a moment of warm sun, but I’m not the one” love totally does feel like a moment of warm sun…but oh boy is it cold when it leaves…
Least Favorite Lyric: DONT HAVE ONE :D
Rating: 9.5/10
But Daddy I Love Him
Overall: I fear she thought she ate.
Favorite Lyric: “id rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitching and moaning” ok honestly she did eat here..
Least Favorite Lyric: “I’m having his baby, no I’m not, but you should see your faces” it’s comical
Rating: 6/10
Fresh Out The Slammer
Overall: too western for me….but I can’t believe joe was prison……I also hate the key change but I understand it has some sort of significance to the storytelling.
Favorite Lyric: “handcuffed to the spell I was under for just one hour of sunshine” see above
Least Favorite Lyric: “wearing imaginary rings ” again with the syllables
Rating: 6/10
Florida!!! (feat. Florence + The Machine)
Overall: I love florence + the machine! and this song is extremely catchy. I do think it will be used on a lot of spring break captions. I also know when I want to visit my cousins in florida I will just text them a random lyric from this song.
Favorite Lyric: “fuck me up, Florida” sorry mom!
Least Favorite Lyric: “the hurricane with my name when it came” don’t know what she’s trying to say here
Rating: 7/10
Guilty as Sin?
Overall: it’s honestly just fine and I hate when she writes about sex and also I can see why Christian moms hate this song
Favorite Lyric: “am I allowed to cry?” something I would say to my therapist and she would say yes!
Least Favorite Lyric: “what if he’s written mine on my upper thigh only in my mind” weird as hell
Rating: 6/10
Who’s Africa of Little Old Me?
Overall: queen shit……and I love when she reclaims what the media says about her. It’s like a not obnoxious shake it off!
Favorite Lyric: “is it a wonder I broke? let’s hear one more joke” I famously will die on the hill that she does not have to laugh or be nice about jokes made about her
Least Favorite Lyric: “so tell me everything is not about me, but what if it is?” hard to defend this one…
Rating: 9/10
I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)
Overall: I’m sorry so so dumb. I don’t even want to know who this is about.
Favorite Lyric: “woah maybe I can’t” no explanation.
Least Favorite Lyric: “his hand so calloused from his pistol” ok I thought u were a democrat….
Rating: 5/10
loml
Overall: :’( and when she says “you said I’m the love of your love” at the end of the chorus her voice sounds so sad and gorgeous
Favorite Lyric: “you’re the loss of my life” when I first heard that lyric switch I went absolutely feral
Least Favorite Lyric: “mr steal your girl, then make her cry” just feel mediocre about this one
Rating: 8/10
I Can Do It With a Broken Heart
Overall: I am shaking me little ass to this. honestly this chorus is so much fun. I love how it’s about her being the most depressed she’s ever been but it’s probably the most fun song on the album. I will give jack antonoff kudos on this one.
Favorite Lyric: “lights, camera, bitch smile, even when you want to die” I’m clapping and singing and then when she said “as the crowd was chanting MORE” I’m like ok….i was in the audience here….sorry girl….
Least Favorite Lyric: “the lights refract sequin stars off her silhouette every night” just hate this vibe
Rating: 9/10
The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived
Overall: holy shit I will kill matty healy….. this song has the best bridge in the whole entire world and I do think it is better than dear john.
Favorite Lyric: “you said normal girls were boring but you were gone by the morning” YASSS QUEEN RIP THAT MAN TO SHREDS
Least Favorite Lyric: “you didn’t measure up in any measure of a man” not creative
Rating: 10/10*im also open to the dialogue of her going from “who are you is not what you did” in innocent to “you are what you did” here*
The Alchemy
Overall: embarrassing because it is just about a bunch of weird football players. any song where she says touch down is going to be bad.
Favorite Lyric: “honestly who are we to fight the alchemy” I just want to sing this part that’s it
Least Favorite Lyric: “shirts off and your friends lift you up over their heads” I just don’t think songs about football players can be cool. inherently uncool.
Rating: 5/10
Clara Bow
Overall: I loooove this one, it reminds me of nothing new from the red vault tracks. I wonder who she is talking about that looks like her.
Favorite Lyric: “all your life did you j is you’d be picked like a rose” it’s sooo giving the lucky one here.
Least Favorite Lyric: “thems the breaks” this is such a millennial thing to say.
Rating: 8.5/10
The Black Dog
Overall: I am sobbing joe needs to say sorry
Favorite Lyric: “I just don’t understand how you dont miss me in the black dog” I felt this
Least Favorite Lyric: “were you making fun of me with some esoteric joke?” don’t know what esoteric means
Rating: 10/10
imgonnagetyouback
Overall: I don’t believe any argument here that she didn’t copy olivia rodrigo
Favorite Lyric: “told my friends I hate you but I love you just the same” I guess so
Least Favorite Lyric: “whether I’m gonna flip you off or pull you into the closet” doesn’t rhyme or sound good.
Rating: 6/10
The Albatross
Overall: I don’t know what an albatross is but I love this song. don’t connect to it lyrically though
Favorite Lyric: “she’s the death you chose, you’re in terrible danger” not sure what this means
Least Favorite Lyric: “Jackie’s raised their hackles” I know I was upset the last one didn’t rhyme but I didn’t want this
Rating: 7/10
Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus
Overall: congratulations to Chloe! I wish my name was in a Taylor swift song. and I love how she says or so much, it’s catchy
Favorite Lyric: “if you want to break my cold, cold heart say you loved me” yup
Least Favorite Lyric: “will that make your memory fade from this scarlet maroon” been there done that
Rating: 8/10
How Did It End?
Overall: breakups are more painful than an abscess tooth. I know because I’ve gone through both.
Favorite Lyric: “the empathetic hunger descends” I feel sad that she has to explain her breakup to so many people
Least Favorite Lyric: “smug cause they know they can trust him” I keep hearing SMUT
Rating: 9/10
So High School
Overall: I hate this song hahahahaha but I love the video on Spotify
Favorite Lyric: “truth…dare…spin bottles. You know how to ball, I know Aristotle” insanely catchy
Least Favorite Lyric: “touch me while your bros play grand theft auto” weird
Rating: 5/10
I Hate It Here
Overall: dance moment!
Favorite Lyric: “I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind” ok dissociating queen
Least Favorite Lyric: “I’d say the 1830s. It without all the racists” queen….what are you doing…what does 1830 offer you…
Rating: 7/10
thanK you aIMee
Overall: mama kudos for saying that, for spilling. I love celebrity beef.
Favorite Lyric: “but when I count the scars there’s a moment of truth, that there wouldn’t be this if there hadn’t been you” ok growth queen!
Least Favorite Lyric: “my mother is a saintly woman but she used to say she wished that you were dead” I don’t understand why that means her mom isn’t a saintly woman
Rating: 8/10
I Look in People’s Windows
Overall: very gorgeous I like that she kept this one short and sweet.
Favorite Lyric: “does it feel alright to not know me?” ok ouch!
Least Favorite Lyric: no this one has no complaints from me
Rating: 9.5/10
The Prophecy
Overall: omg 😭 I am so sad….
Favorite Lyric: “thought I caught lightning in a bottle, oh, but it’s gone again” I just feel so sad
Least Favorite Lyric: “but I howl like a wolf at the moon” she had to know this would turn into a meme
Rating: 10/10
Cassandra
Overall: I really hope this is about kanye but I’m just not sure but does anyone know? and what call did she get?
Favorite Lyric: “when it’s burn the bitch they’re shrieking” society hates women
Least Favorite Lyric: “bloods thick but nothing like a payroll” just don’t really resonate with this
Rating: 8/10
Peter
Overall: omg I love! gonna need to read what it’s about on reddit but you can trust that I will. I’m getting harry styles vibes
Favorite Lyric: “and you said you’d come and get me but you were 25 and the shelf life of those fantasies has expired” no comment here
Least Favorite Lyric: no complaints
Rating: 9/10
The Bolter
Overall: this song is soooooo catchy I love it
Favorite Lyric: “started with a kiss oh we must stop meeting like this” yep on repeat FOREVER!!!
Least Favorite Lyric: none I’m just dancing
Rating: 8.5/10
Robin
Overall: I am gonna be vulnerable and say I have no idea what this song means or what it is about or what any lyrics mean so let me know if you do
Favorite Lyric: unfortunately none of the lyrics really resonate with me
Least Favorite Lyric: see above
Rating: I don’t feel qualified to give this a rating but based just on how it sounds 7/10
The Manuscript
Overall: so I heard that this is about All Too Well which makes it very interesting! and of course she wished she was 30 when she was dating someone who was 30!
Favorite Lyric: ”now and then I re-read the manuscript but the story isn’t mine anymore” how is she over what jake gyllenhaal did to her before i am
Least Favorite Lyric: nothing it’s pretty good
Rating: 7.5/10
So, let me know what you all think! I really do think this is one of her best albums (although I must admit a few skips….) and I am sad I won’t hear any of these on tour…..but on livestreams….you know I’ll be watching……
My quick life update is that I am leaving New York City and going back to Bluffdale City….I can’t wait to see what my new life will have for me! Perhaps a job that could fund my shopping? A girl can dream…..
I am currently in an Uber right now in Atlanta, GA on my way to Alpharetta, GA to meet my mom for a quick trip. My Uber driver is telling me about the migrant problem here and also homelessness. Too bad we are stuck in traffic!
So question of the day is this: what is the best food you’ve ever had? Something so good that you dream about it? For me, there are many but my mind is on the grab dip I had in Georgia 3 years ago. I’m going to go again (hopefully tonight…)
Love u all!
Xoxo, Carinne
Hello Everyone!
I know what you are thinking.....why has it taken this girl so long to write her newsletter.....
Well, I have been up to multiple other things. Including, but not limited to, becoming the world's best quilter, media literacy, sourdough baking, unemployment, cooking, budgeting, etc.
I hope you can now see why I cannot be writing newsletters all day everyday! But, because of my recent unemployment I hope that this will bring me a new reason to wake up in the morning.
CRAFT OF THE WEEK*: I am working on this very special quilt for my roommate, Morgan. She will be wed to her sweetheart on June 8, 2024. He doesn't know this is for him so please do not tell him or show him because I want it to be a surprise. I am very proud of it!
ROSE, BUD, AND THORN:
ROSE: My birthday!!!! It was the best day of the year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUD: I am excited for new opportunities that await me...
THORN: Losing my job
QUILT OF THE WEEK*: I've been totally loving this house quilt! Will be incorporating this into my quilt studies soon....
https://www.pinterest.com/pin/202099102022835401/feedback/?invite_code=fd5f947519424566a0526633cb37efd6&sender_id=202099239436684900
*week is a generous term here, by week I mean the past 8 weeks (since my last newsletter)
Now for the good stuff....
So as you all know if you read my rose, bud, and thorn, I have recently lost my job. I have this in common with my fellow subscriber, Ryan Christensen. We both got laid off. Unfortunately there is no reason for me to get up in the morning after 3 weeks of unemployment (not in a depression way, but i literally have nothing to do). So then what do I do? SPOILER ALERT: I DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT!!!!!!! But you know what I do know, is that we just have to be kind to ourselves!!!!!! I am a very special and important person in my life so that's why I have to treat myself with a lot of tenderness and love. Plus, I have recently graduated from therapy, which means I have to be my own therapist, and I cannot let myself fall into the trenches of despair.
I don't have a lot of very useful insights this week because not a lot goes through my mind these days, but that's what I've got for today. Here are some questions that everyone can answer:
Have you been feeling fulfilled with your life and passions so far in 2024?
How much money do you spend in a week?
Would you ever get dog?
What do you do on your weekends for fun? :)
THANKS EVERYBODY, WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME!!!!!!!!
Xoxo,🅡🅘🅝🅡🅘🅝
I am going to draw my own damned map!!!...December 11th, 2023
Hello everyone. Welcome to my latest newsletter. Buckle up, it's getting serious.
This doesn't need to be said, but I will say it anyway... I am happy you are all here! Of course this newsletter will blossom into gorgeous and special things as it progresses. Aren't we all so lucky to be on this journey together?
CRAFT OF THE WEEK:Air Dry Clay Candelabra That Looks Like Tulips*PHOTO ATTACHED CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO ADD IT HERE...feeling like a missionary...*
ROSE, BUD, AND THORN:Rose: Sleepover with my niece, Leah, last night :D
Bud: Elena coming into town! And I am so excited to see my therapist on Thursday...Thorn: Haven't had In N Out yet >:(
QUILT OF THE WEEK (NOT CREATED BY ME BUT I WISH):
https://www.instagram.com/p/C0SMC4Uv0a4/
I am in Bluffdale, UT 84065 today! Home for the holidays! And I am supposed to be working today but my work computer is broken. I am waiting for a call from WPP IT. In the meantime, my sister, Caroline, has graciously agreed to let me use her laptop. We all must thank her for this because if it wasn't for her I don't know when this week's newsletter would've come out. Scary thought!
In other news: I have a new favorite book! I feel like Sophie when she found little weirds. It's called: I Miss You When I Blink by Mary Laura Philpott. I got it in the Newark International Airport over the weekend and I am so excited to read it all!!!!!!!!! I will share a chapter that I loved today all about depression and drawing your own map, but it is a bit long so I will highlight the best parts for those who want to skim through....but I did put a lot of work into copying it from my photos and pasting it into this email.....so......up to you....
Before I add that....I have a couple questions that I would like people to respond to...don't worry, everyone is blind cc'd so I am the only one that will see everyone's answers.
- Did you update your phone and what do you think of the new interface when you call someone? Also have you left someone a voicemail on FaceTime? I have but I haven't received one so I'm not sure how it looks
- What did you ask for for Christmas?
- What is your rose, bud, thorn for the week?
- How much caffeine do you drink a day? Do you limit yourself?
Without further ado...
PLEASE NO ONE TURN ME IN I CAN ALMOST GUARANTEE THIS IS COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT
Everything to Be Happy About
I didn't want to tell anyone I was unhappy, because it didn't make sense.
There was plenty of love and time to go around for our family, enough money for groceries and gas and the mortgage and even unexpected things like exploding water heaters and tree limbs through the roof. I had my health, my youth. I was not yet forty. I was not dying of an insidious cancer, and I had not accidentally gotten hooked on meth, like those soccer moms I saw on the news. My husband and children and parents were all alive and well.
And plenty was going right. Truly, if I picked different snapshots from this time in my life, they'd add up to a picture of perfection. I was still, sometimes, having fun. I did things with my family and friends. I worked. I posted cute pictures of my dogs online. Those are the moments people could see. But then there were moments most people didn't see.
Ask anyone who has lived through depression, and chances are at least some of them will tell you it was the most unlikely thing that they had everything to be happy about. But even the people who have no terrible, obvious burden to carry can find themselves staggering under the weight of a dull, constant dread. It doesn't add up, but it's true.
Everything around me was as I'd designed it: There was the house we bought because it had the right number of bedrooms and a backyard flat enough for a swing set. There were the booster seats I meticulously researched and purchased for our own children to ride in, plus the neighbor kids we carpooled with every day. I drove them to the elementary school we chose for its small classes and robust arts program and active parent association, for which I could volunteer on committees where the other parents might just be so inspired by my helpfulness that they'd write me thank-you notes in honor of my commitment and reliability. The house and the car seats and the school were part of the life we decided to live in the middle of Atlanta, the part of the city with the highest traffic, highest taxes, and highest crime, but also the highest density of culture and friends and activity. John and I agreed: We'd rather stab ourselves in the eyes than live in the suburbs. We were glad to pay more for less space in the name of authenticity. Screw the strip malls.
There was the basement I turned into an office, where I did my job as a freelance writer and cartoonist. This twelve-by-fifteen-foot space had a little desk and a discarded dining-turned-writing chair and a tiny patch of rug thrown over the concrete floor to make it feel warmer and less like an under- ground bunker. The walls were exposed brick, and over the desk, light shone through a single window. No one else was using the room. I had laid claim to it because I felt the lack of a place that was mine, where no one could drop their socks or trash or half-empty cups, where I could leave out a stack of paper and not come back in an hour to find a crayon line drawn across every page. To make people laugh, I called it my "lady cave," which, instead of sounding cool, like "man cave," sounded like a coy euphemism for "vagina." But it was an ideal space for writing and drawing, occupations I chose because they allowed me to do what I love—fit ideas into word puzzles, doodle animals, and help people communicate more clearly.I had a schedule that was under my own control. All of this was under my own control, in fact, because I decided it all.
So why did I feel like I couldn't wake up from a classic anxiety dream in which I was stuck in traffic, watching the minutes tick by on a clock, knowing with certain dread that I was late, but not remembering where I was supposed to be going or how to get there?
I made all the turns that led me to where I ended up, feeling broken and low despite all the luck and support that should have made me feel safe and happy and secure.
Most of those decisions were right in the moment when I made them. Well, some were terribly wrong. (See; the enormous SUV I purchased after my second child was born, then drove for a decade despite the fact that I couldn't park it and regularly crashed it into obstacles and other cars.) But mostly I made what I really believed were good choices. Even if you deliberately choose to do a "wrong" thing, you're choosing it, which means you've picked it as the right thing to do.
Still. You can stand by your past decisions even if they took you to a present where you don't belong anymore.
You can find yourself at a time when, no matter how many things you've done right—really, truly right in the moment when you did them—you feel like something is wrong. No, everything is wrong. This feeling will defy logic, which will make you nuts because you love logic! You believe in cause and effect, hard work that pays off, wise choices that reap rewards. Early to bed, early to rise, rinse with cold water, choose brown rice, save your money, wear sunscreen, don't lick water fountains, floss. These are not just things you believe; they're things you do because that's the deal: Do what's right, and you'll be glad in the end! If X, then Y. But you're not glad. X, but not Y. The to-do list was supposed to get smaller and smaller as you checked off everything you meant to do and approached the finish line of bonafide adulthood. Instead, you got to the end of the list and didn't feel like you'd arrived anywhere. You felt more disoriented than ever.
I did, anyway.
I knew what to do when I felt lost: Find help. So I started seeing a therapist.
One morning, she leaned forward from her chair to where I sat cross-legged on a sofa and asked, "Can you pinpoint when you stopped feeling happy?
"I...." I looked down at my lap.
I felt embarrassed because here I was in a psychiatric session that cost real money, using up daylight hours, trying to find out if my brain was defective, parsing my own happiness history as if it was something that mattered in the world. I was a cliché: first-world problems. I felt ashamed.
But she had a point. Maybe if I could figure out what situations made me feel not like this, I could find a path out of this state, and I could find it before my misery caused anyone else unhappiness. I started thinking, I don't belong here anymore. I have to get out. Now.
To find the path, I studied what other people did. I read books for guidance. How do other people get happy again? Run away was a common narrative. Leave it all behind. I read memoir after memoir by people who burned down one life and started another. Scorch the earth and be reborn as someone new. I could use that map if I wanted to. Maybe I should disappear into a crowded street on the other side of the world! Maybe I should change my name and climb a mountain! I researched tents. I put my hair in two braids and wrapped a bandana around my forehead: Does this look outdoorsy? And then I remembered, wait—I can't lift my carry-on bag into the overhead bin on a plane, much less haul a pack on my back all day. I'm not that person. Nor am I the other people whose life stories I devoured: the young woman who escaped a kidnapper's underground lair, the man who left a cult, or any of the many bold and exceptional individuals who chronicled their-change of name, change of gender, change of everything in the seare for who they really are.
I'm just a person.
It wouldn't be fair for me to say, "I'm just an average person," or "an ordinary" person, because I am also a lucky person. I was raised in a loving home and grew up to have another loving home, and I do not suffer from the dire physical, financial or situational disadvantages that so many people struggle under.
But being fortunate doesn't mean you won't reach a certain point in life—many points, actually—and panic. It doesn't mean you don't periodically wonder how you got where you are and if there's any way to get out.
I tried to imagine myself as an action-movie hero, tossing a match over my shoulder and walking off in slow motion as an explosion bloomed behind me. The problem is that if you toss a match like that, you can't control what it burns, and there was so much in my life I didn't want to burn down.
Surely, that wasn't the only alternative to the status quo. It couldn't be just this one-or-the-other choice. But if these weren't my only two options—stay miserable or blow it all up—then... what?
I was going to have to draw my own damned map.
See you next week!
Xoxo,🅡🅘🅝🅡🅘🅝
Carinne's Fantabulous Newsletter...December 6th, 2023
Hey everyone, Carinne here!
I thought everyone would be interested in getting a weekly newsletter from me. I can't imagine I'm wrong. Some of you didn't subscribe, but that shouldn't be a problem knowing what I know about you.
This will be an all encompassing, frequently-updated (weekly), zesty newsletter about my life. A passion project, if you will. This way, we can all stay updated on my life. For the record, I would like to be added to each of your newsletters as well! And let this be an inspiration for many of you to start those newsletters.
Anyway, this first email is just an introduction. Stay tuned for next week. It's probably gonna be BIG!
Love you all!
Xoxo,🅡🅘🅝🅡🅘🅝